Nonfiction |
A Journey to Hospital Land; And Back
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photo by Mike Lambert
December 14, 2018: Questions from a Gurney in a 911 Truck
Why am I in here? I told the Crew Chief I was feeling better. Told my tennis partners that, too. Maybe I just need to rest a little bit. You really taking me to the ER? Why is this thing I’m lying on so hard and cold? Ouch! What’s that you just stuck into my arm? Ouch! That hurt! Don’t you have shock absorbers on this truck? Do they still make shock absorbers for cars and trucks? Crap! They will stick me with more things in the ER. I was there once. January 9, 2019: Perspectives from Under the Operating Room Lights Ouch! Don’t they know there’s a median strip on this damn table when they drag you on it? If they have all these fancy lights and lenses, why don't they put a clock on the ceiling, too? If they have all this fancy equipment, why can't they put a heater on this damn table? Why are all the people in here hiding in white gauzy gowns and caps and masks? Meanwhile, I’m down to near naked on this table! When did the Blacksmith last bring in a set of sharpened knives for the surgery crew? Do blacksmiths still exist? |
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January 13, 2019: Perspectives from a Hospital Bed in the Middle of the Night
Do I cough and snore as badly as my roommate over there? Is there a Starbucks nearby? Where are my pants and coat? Would that last nurse go with me to steady my gait? No, the cute one. Not Nurse Ratched. With the sharp pokey thing. Would the cute nurse have one of those Apple Pay gadgets? She looks awfully young. Do I look decent enough to ask for credit at Starbucks? What time is it? When do they let the inmates outta here? January 19, 2019: Perspectives from a Kitchen Computer in the Middle of the Night How was I supposed to know I was so damn vulnerable? That wasn't in any of my life experience courses. Did they hit me with a flagrant foul? I was home for two days after that damn heart surgery and then got hit again for trying to breathe. Who made up this game? What is a gall bladder, anyway? And where is it? That was ugly-looking stuff they showed me that had come out of it. And now, I gotta look at it in the little bottle hanging on my side. And drain it. And clean the bottle. Hell, I never worked at a gas station, so I never learned to drain the oil and anti-freeze out of cars. And now a new bunch of doctors with specialties in gastro stuff are looking at me. Do they still sell Castrol Oil? For cars, I mean. Would my wife go with me to Starbucks, here at 2 am, if I woke her up? Or, maybe IHOP. Or Denny’s. I could go for some eggs and bacon and gooey pancakes! Where are my car keys and wallet? Can I make it to the bathroom fast enough with this rickety walker? NOTE: This story was inspired by three recent trips to a local hospital that I endured.
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